The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
By:
M. Gary Neuman
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Average Customer Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Description:
The New York Times bestselling look at the real reasons for male marital infidelity and what might prevent it Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat? In this New York Times bestselling book, experienced family counselor M. Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed men across the country who have physically cheated on their wives. Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays. - Based on a groundbreaking study of both cheating men and men who have remained faithful
- Reveals surprising findings on the contribution of sexual and emotional dissatisfaction to male infidelity
- Written by experienced family counselor M. Gary Neuman, coauthor of In Good Times and Bad and author of Emotional Infidelity
- Neuman and The Truth about Cheating were featured twice on The Oprah Winfrey Show
Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, The Truth about Cheating includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women to help them prevent infidelity and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.
Description:
Book Description
Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won't happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won't stray? What do men say they're getting from their mistresses that they're missing at home? Do a man's friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat? While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, The Truth About Cheating presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays. Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author's own work with clients, The Truth About Cheating includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage. Amazon Exclusive: A Letter to Readers from the Author
  M. Gary Neuman is a Florida psychotherapist, rabbi, creator of the internationally recognized Sandcastles Programs for children of divorce, and author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Marriage. His work has received national media coverage including multiple appearances on Oprah, the Today Show, the View, and NPR, as well as appearances on Dateline, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America. He has been written about in numerous publications including People, Time, Cosmo, Parents, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald and elsewhere. Gary lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida.
Dear Reader, I am very excited to share this book with you. The Truth about Cheating can be read by everyone, including people who may not be really concerned about their own personal situations but who want the knowledge and stories that the study provides. After more than 20 years as a marriage counselor, I've seen firsthand the overwhelming pain that cheating causes spouses and their families. When I searched for answers about why men cheat and found none, I decided that I would do a study to investigate the issue. For three years I worked on my research to find the truth about cheating and the results were astounding. This book is about one thing and one thing only—empowering women. Men and women always want to know what the other sex is thinking. After reading this book you'll know the answers and this knowledge will not just reduce the odds of your husband cheating but more importantly will help you create a marriage that is mutually beneficial. Your husband will start listening and giving to you more than ever once you have a better understanding of him and his emotional needs. It's astounding how much women are made to feel that they must be everything to and do everything for their men or else they'll stray. False. Only 12% of the cheating men in my study said the other woman was better looking than their wives. And only 8% said that sexual dissatisfaction was the primary issue at home when he cheated. Throw out your assumptions and everything you've been told and search with me for the truth in this book. In The Truth about Cheating, we’ll discuss the many things you can do to make your life and marriage better than ever. You'll also hear the fascinating stories that women shared with me as part of my research and I hope the work they did to better their lives and marriages will inspire you as it did me. You will discover that although you are not to blame, and never responsible for your husbands' cheating, and not responsible for fixing the problem, there are clear, concise methods to create a connection in your marriage that will prevent tragedy from happening and will give you renewed confidence in your relationship. I hope my research and work will begin a discussion of what all of us can do to have more meaningful marriages. Please let me know your thoughts and insights and also what you'd like to know from women who cheated—that's the next part of my research and this national conversation. Women today have choices and options and this book is meant to give more information and to respectfully begin the discussion about what people say about their cheating and what all of us can do to prevent it. Thank you for honoring me with your interest in my work. 6 Warning Signs of Marital Infidelity
1. He spends more time away from home.
Most cheating men surveyed said that more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to or already involved in infidelity. Although you can’t keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, not just during work hours. 2. You have sex infrequently.
Only 43 percent of men surveyed said that frequency of sex with their wives decreased once the infidelity began. Why such a small number? Because in many struggling marriages at high risk for infidelity, couples only have sex about once every couple of months. 3. He avoids contact with you.
The contact you have with your husband, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether or not he is conscious of it. 4. He criticizes you more.
Often, cheating men will criticize their wives seemingly out of the blue. If you notice your husband criticizing you for things he used to find amusing, keep your eyes open for other signs. 5. He starts more fights with you.
The criticism mentioned above often leads to more fights. If your marriage becomes increasingly contentious, you may be at risk for infidelity. 6. He mentions another woman, a female "friend," in casual conversation.
Most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex. When your husband begins to talk about a woman at the office he really admires, he may be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face.
Publisher: Wiley
Customer Review: 4 out of 5
Who's fault is it? - The author begins this book by insisting that cheating is not the woman's fault, but then addresses solely women for the next 200 pages. Ok, so, this is the book's audience, but Neuman really alienates his audience with the constant admonishments about what women do and how women drive men to cheat. The book spends very little time in addressing the man, his thought processes, his decision-making skills (or lack of), and his viewpoints in doing the dirty deed, and, instead, focuses on the woman. Don't get me wrong, I have nary a doubt that Neuman knows exactly what he's talking about. He details interviews with dozens (out of hundreds) of cheaters and non-cheaters, but more attention could have been paid to the male side of things when talking about cheating. That being said, women will indeed get something out of this book. First and foremost, it is likely that those in good marriages will up their appreciation factor towards their spouse. Things like expressing appreciation, affection, and sexual attractiveness are talked about, and Neuman tells women how to put these into play and how to apply these behaviors to keep their man around. There's value in that, and he is very clear.
Those who wonder if they're paying their spouse enough attention will want to pick this one up. On the other hand, if cheating is suspected, Neuman also addresses telltale signs and ways to find out. Overall, this is a useful, if somewhat insulting, book.
Reviewed by Allena Tapia
Customer Review: 5 out of 5
Helpful even for faithful marriages. - This book is very insightful. It has some good explanations about how people feel in a marriage and what they may be lacking. Some of it on the idea of Mars/Venus books. Very good book.
Customer Review: 1 out of 5
Neuman Has a Blind Side. - Does Mr. Neuman know the word, "enabling?" What Mr. Neuman espouses is the enabling of one's husband in his narcissism. This is the era of male narcissism, as Mr. Colson pointed out several years ago in a very authentic, astute essay on the subject. Mr. Neuman is dangerously reinforcing a cliched, "me-myself-and I" mindset of the narcissistic male: it is all about me. Instead of taking this point of view, Mr. Neuman should be sending a message of rigorous honesty and authenticity to the husbands, as the Chapells did in their book, Each for the Other. Mr. Neuman's book disappoints me, as does Mr. Neuman's Tiger-Woods-supporting-philosophy. Mr. Neuman needs to go to counseling himself and learn about the selfishness that is today's male. Arrogance is the word of the day for these males. It is young women mistakenly giving males what they want that has fueled the narcissistic behavior and our over-sexualized media. My message for single women is this: stop giving men free sex and making yourselves sex objects. If you want a normal relationship, one of true intimacy and not false intimacy, then take SEX out of the dating. A deeper relationship and friendship will develop. After marriage, the concern should be sacrificial love for both husband and wife, equally wanting to please the other in sex and in all things. Mr. Neuman, you are off base. Study the issue of sexual addiction, an addiction to lust, and you will understand. Sexual addiction is the new epidemic in this country. The key to mental health in all relationships is one word: HONESTY. You are fueling the dysfunction with your philosophy and with this book.
Customer Review: 5 out of 5
Pastoral Perspective - Many of those that don't like this book seem to misunderstand it's purpose. It is not designed to make women a doormat, or make an absolute guarantee that your husband won't cheat. It's not designed even to fix your marriage. It's really designed to dispel two very powerful myths -- First that cheating is all about sex, and second that it is totally unpreventable. While these things are in fact true in some cases -- some men cheat primarily for sex, and some men cheat regardless of anything the wife does, they are not the NORMAL case. And this is something that when women find out can be liberating and empowering. Instead of trying to look younger, and be more exotic in bed, this book suggests that men are people too -- they have emotional needs which they often don't know how to ask to be fulfilled. IF these are areas where you marriage is weak, and you start to strengthen them, it will make a real difference. The warning signs and steps provided by the author are both practical and insightful as long as you keep that in mind.
I picked this book up because I wanted to explore further the actual psychology of marriage. What is it that helps a man to bond, and how does that relate to sex? As a pastor, I can say that there are many different patterns in marital dysfunction. Some are more the husband's fault, and some are more the wife's fault, but almost all involve both people. This book help deal with one rarely discussed yet fairly prevalent pattern of the man who can "do nothing right." Both men and women need to learn to be encouraging to their partners, but we don't often talk about this as it relates to the woman's role.
None of this excuses cheaters. A good man looks for help long before he looks for another woman. But this books helps put the finger on what underlying dynamics might be pushing in the wrong direction.
Customer Review: 1 out of 5
One Cohesive Unit!!! - This is my two cents or maybe even less.
That is just a bunch of bull puckey. First off, being married is not about two individuals, it is about one cohesive unit that lives as ONE!!! When any member of this ONE body acts outside of the cohesive structure that marriage is, the other members (wife, husband, kids) suffer because the unit is not living and behaving as a single unit! This is what marriage really is!! I am not my own and neither is my husband or vice versa.
We are ONE. So, my desires belong to him and his to me. What does this mean, it means that my whole purpose in life within the confines of marriage is to be selfless towards my spouse and kids. His responsibility is exactly the same. It is not about one person in a marriage at all. This is the fallacy that this society of ours has so wrong when it comes to marriage. PLUS... a spiritual nucleus in this unit is of the UTMOST importance. Who, What you ask. Listen, if G-D is not the head of the marriage, then the marriage is doomed to fail. What, Who you ask. The G-D of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is Elohim!!! He is the the head of every marriage and if we human beings do not aspire to this, we are failed. No one person in the marriage can believe for one moment that his or her personal wants and needs out weigh the other. It will not work. One person will be destroyed if both aren't living up to the standard that G-D has established. Yes, Elohim is the head of the man and the man the head of the marriage but why was the woman created? She was created to help the man because he was/is missing what she has and I don't mean physical and without her, he is incomplete. The same with the woman, she is missing what the man has and without it, she too is incomplete. There is no other way to look at a proper relationship between a man and a woman. So, until both the man and the woman understands and seeks to live and learn according to this high calling established by Elohim, it will not work even if they stay married til death do they part!!! Plenty of marriages have lasted because you just don't believe in divorce but how many people in those marriages truly understood and respected each other during the tough times and allowd Elohim to be the head of the marriage and submitted to Him and His desires for the marriage. I don't begin to understand all of what He desires but I know for sure that He did not create us to act alone with total disregard for Him and others.
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